theo_caliga

I went with Mother to Ollivander's today and got a new wand. That was humiliating, but it seems work work well. This is good, as I have been having to floo to work then use a loner reserve wand from Mungo's that often liked to sprout flowers instead of doing my diagnostic charms. I did not realize how annoying it could be not having a wand of my own. I do not like having to rely on others for basic things.

I despise my job now. The job I previously had was filled one month after my "death" and they had no room in the budget to bring me back. Rubbish, but whatever. Let them have their petty victories. I choose my battles a bit more wisely than they have. It will serve me better in the end.

Mother and I also went to the Ministry and looked into the necessary steps to have myself officially declared living again. Apparently I am categorized as undead or something right now. It's bothersome, but at least Mungo's will still pay the undead. Perhaps I will just leave it as such for now. I do not feel like I am really here anyhow.

I feel a bit guilty about getting physical with

The house-elf Clem made my favorite for lunch. How did she know? Also, Gray, he insists I call him Gray, keeps trying to talk with me. I appreciate his efforts, and most of the time he has very interesting conversation to offer, but I am not a social person. I hope I have not offended him, as he actually seems good for my Mother.

Fuck.

I need a drink.

I fucked up.

Well, Applegate helped me fuck up. Owling me in the middle of my date with Tracey? Bloody wanker.

Luckily, Tracey is willing to give me another chance and wants to cook me dinner at her place on Tuesday night. I will not fuck up on Tuesday night.

Sitting here drinking Firewhiskey and thinking.

Thinking about the way Tracey tries to hide. Thinking of the fact Goyle came and tried to pick a fight with me over her.

Tracey. Yes, I'm thinking mostly of Tracey -- the way she moves, the way she speaks (her lips are so sensual when she speaks), the way her green eyes sparkle...

Damn. What have I gotten myself into?

Fuck Su Li. She means nothing.

Chi and I are going to Diagon Alley Monday afternoon.

Everything makes sense now; she hates me because what she thinks I did yet never actually did. I did not sleep with Pansy when I came back to London. Hell, I didn't even see the bint when I came back. Su should known better, yet she didn't. Her lies were just as obvious as those lies about Pansy and I.

Women are confusing.

I know that's a given, but it also needs to be said.

Out of the blue, Su Li owls me asking me to meet her. In Muggle London. At midnight. Then she picked a hole in the wall for the meeting place like she was ashamed to be seen with me.

The woman has lost her mind.

Chi asked her to deliver a letter for her. It was obvious she had tried to talk her sister out of it, but Chi is as strong-willed as she is. Even at 11, she's willful and disobedient. Which is why she sent me the letter.

I don't know how to reply, and Su doesn't even want me too, but I feel like I have to. Chi didn't do anything wrong. She was there at the wrong time, and got into trouble. I thank God I was there. Magic or not, I would have helped her, but thankfully I had magic.

She was so excited to meet another magical person but her sister. For a little while, Su's gratitude overpowered her obvious disgust of me.

Su won't let her step foot in Diagon Alley or any other magical place, but she wants to see it though. She wants me to take her there. I have no qualms of taking her, but getting on Su's bad side would be a bitch.

I do have to contact Su with my reply. My okay. Su be damned, I'll take the girl anywhere she wants to go after what she went through. She went through hell, she deserves to see Diagon Alley if that's all she is asking for.

Remembering Anna is still hard. She was like a hurricane that ran through my life and ruined my heart. Only she changed my life. She changed my view on woman and relationships. How can one woman change something so completely?

I remember the first real conversation we had. We were in our lab.

( recall )

That moment changed everything. Suddenly women weren't people to have sex with, they were people to connect with, to care about, to need, to love. She was my woman to love. And for whatever reason, she loved me. Our romance quickly advanced, but we never had sex. The woman had standards. It frustrated the hell out of me not to be with her like that, but because I loved her, I didn't. I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Until she was ready. And she eventually was. Our first night together was like I'd never experienced before and still haven't. She took me to places I'd never been, and never knew existed. It was more than sex; it was love.

A year later, she died. Her death rocked my world, making me go into a horrible depression. As recluse as I had been before, I grew farther into my own world. I didn't want anyone else in. I didn't care to invite anyone to share my life. I worked. I ate. I slept -- alone. I worked. I ate. I slept -- alone. That's all I did for two years. Finally after two years, 24 months of temporary celibacy, I went on a trip to Beijing and met her. My sexual frustration had nearly reached its peak, but she had her own standards. At first she ran far away from me. She ignored me; she acted as though she hated me. But I saw in her eyes, she was intrigued by me. My Asian beauty.

After I helped her younger sister out with a boy trying to force himself on her in an alley, (by mere consequence, it was her sister) she finally found time for me. My first night with her was just as amazing as my night with Anna. It was something no woman could ever touch, but then I had to go back to London for work. My extended business for my Charms research was finished, and we had to part. She was in London part of the time, and we made empty promises to meet up, to be more than just a fling. But neither of us, for some reason, made the effort.

I haven't had sex for 18 months now, and it's driving me up the wall. But with the two women in my past, no woman can compare. No woman is good enough for me now. Sex suddenly became something more than physical for me. It's a strange revelation, but it's true. The physical intimacy is just a fridge benefit to the emotional connection.

Still 18 months is too long for a man to go without sex. My control is slipping. I need to get laid before I lose all my control. 18 months is too long to go without sex.